Who’s In Your Village?
I have given birth three times, and each of those times, I have not been in the same state as my family. Though in my younger years I was very much an extrovert, I have become more introverted as I have gotten older. Add to that I work retail-type hours and am often not able to be at school pickup, PTA events, and afterschool activities.
I have had to really push myself to walk up to other parents when I am at the school or a baseball game and introduce myself.
That being said, it has made it much more difficult to find my village, and I do believe that it truly does take a village.
I have also come to learn that, sometimes, your village is not always exactly who you expect it to be. For instance, I now consider the owners of the company I work for to be part of my village. I am fortunate enough to work at a family-owned, family-friendly business. So not only do they ask about my children and genuinely care about them, but I know that my children are able to come to work with me if ever I am in a pinch. One of my previous jobs was not just not family-friendly but often saw family as a distraction. Any additional time I needed to take care of my family caused tension at work. It was an extremely difficult situation, especially because I had moved to a new city and a new state to take the job and therefore had little support.
In the early days of parenting, I didn’t really think of doctors, teachers, and counselors as part of my village. I thought of them more as professionals who I paid to take care of myself or my children, but as our family has grown and faced more challenges, I have realized that having the right professionals in your family’s life can make all the difference. Having doctors and counselors that know how to treat issues like ADHD, being on the spectrum, or childhood depression is a major help to parents who are struggling to understand their own child. The same is true for my own doctors. Having a doctor that understands that, as a parent, I cannot always get the extra rest I need or that I cannot take a migraine medicine that makes me overly drowsy because I might be home alone with my children is critical to being able to care for myself and my family.
Having lived away from family when all my children were young, I have learned that my family is a critical part of my village. From my sister letting my daughter stay with her in another state to get established there before she started college, to my mother watching my sons when they don’t have school or camp, to my father helping to get our other daughter back to college after she came home for an appointment, to my extended family’s annual Christmas and Fourth of July parties, my children are growing up knowing that family relationships are important and family can help get you through the difficult times. My family has offered additional stability for my children when my husband and I were unable to be there.
Of course, then there is the village that you choose. Those might be other moms you met through playdates or school events, or people you have met through a religious group, or people you grew up with. Sometimes it is just an online group of like-minded parents who you can talk to. This is the part of your village that is the hardest to connect to. These are the people that take time to get to know and trust. But I have found that these are the people who make the most impact on my life. These are the people who you choose and who choose you, not out of obligation or as part of their job, but because they genuinely care. These are the people who keep me afloat. They understand how difficult parenting and family life can be. These are the mom-friends that remind you that today is hat day or who are willing to keep your child with them if you are running ten minutes late for school or practice pickup. These are the people who bring you dinner when they know you have had a bad day. These are the people I missed when I was living in Atlanta and struggling to keep my head above water. These are the people I only began to find after being back in Pittsburgh for several years, and these are the people who I am beyond grateful for.
Having a village offers us emotional support, parenting perspectives from others, socialization for us as parents and for our children, and often help caring for ourselves and our children.
My village regularly helps me to find my way through the challenges of conflicting work, sports, school, and event schedules. But most importantly, my children know, without a doubt, that if for some reason Mom or Dad can’t be there for them, there is an entire group of people outside of our house that will make sure they are taken care of.
Takeaways:
Remember that the people in your village are not always just family or friends. Social workers, doctors, teachers, and counselors are great supports when you find yourself not knowing who to turn to. So, don’t be afraid to reach out to them and to seek out professionals whose personalities and treatments fit with your family.
Family can be a great source of support for a lot of people. However, they are not an option for everyone. It is ok to look outside your family if you don’t have family available.
Groups like churches, synagogues, mosques, Cub Scouts, dance classes, moms’ groups, and community centers are great places to find your village.
Finding your village in friendships takes time. Don’t give up, and don’t feel alone. Joining an online moms’ group can help bridge the gap.
Parenting is really hard. No one can do it all. Find your village and use their help when you need to.