Dealing with Bullying
As unfortunate as it is, bullying is always going to be part of life. Children definitely bully other children, but I would wager to say that most of us have encountered adult bullies as well. Their form of bullying might be a little more subtle; it might be a little more sophisticated than threatening to beat you up if you don’t turn over your lunch money, but it is intimidating all the same. I am someone who has never been especially adept at handling conflict; it is something I struggle to deal with still.
Once my children started school, bullying has been something that comes up regularly, both in the context of not being a bully, as well as in the context of what to do if you or friends are getting bullied. In our house, we also regularly find ourselves talking about what constitutes bullying. Different situations and different people define it very differently, and because of this, it is not always easy to address the situation.
My two younger children (ages 9 & 10) are both involved in sports. Now, if you have watched any type of professional sports recently, you are probably aware that it is not uncommon for professional athletes to “talk trash” or “smack talk” each other during competition, online, and in interviews. While this is often seen as a normal part of sports, it is not always a great example of good sportsmanship, and it is not always something that a younger athlete knows how to deal with. Especially when it comes to children, once someone’s feelings are getting hurt or it continues to happen with some regularity, then it is no longer just ribbing each other, but it crosses over into bullying.
Recently, my two boys joined a small group of kids playing wiffle ball after school. Another child, who was at the park, started berating both of their baseball abilities and commenting every time they didn’t hit the ball while batting or didn’t catch it while fielding. He continued making rude comments until both my boys decided to leave the game and headed to the other side of the field to play kickball. Unfortunately, the other child followed and continued telling them how poorly they played.
Eventually, my youngest got so upset that he left the kickball game as well. He went and joined another friend who was playing on the playground. Except the child who had been making mean comments followed him once again. My son, his friend, and his older brother all told the child that he needed to stop taunting my son. He did not stop, and my son pushed him and screamed something I will not repeat in a public blog post (something that I came to find out later he didn’t really know the meaning of.) According to my kids, at that point the instigating child said something to both my sons about knocking them to the ground. I had been there at the park, watching them change fields, seeing my son walk away to talk to his friend on the playground, and I had seen the other child following him. However, I could not hear what was being said, and neither of my children came to tell me that there was any problem. When I told them that it was time to leave, I did so based on the fact that I thought my youngest was getting tired and that’s why he had left the kickball game and was sitting on the grass with his friend. It was once we got in the car that I saw that my older son was extremely angry and defensive of his little brother. My younger son was so angry that he was in tears, and they began to explain to me what had really been going on, leaving me to decide how to handle it from here. My older son wanted me to confront the other child’s parents. I asked why they had not come to get me when this was occurring. My younger son said that he was concerned with being thought of as a tattletale or a momma’s boy. He had done everything he had been taught to do when dealing with someone who isn’t being nice to you. He was doing his best to navigate a difficult situation. However, as bullies often do, the other child disregarded his attempts to set boundaries and requests to be left alone.
Flash forward a week, to us finding out that all three boys are going to be on the same team for fall baseball. Both of my children have processed and dealt with this encounter very differently. My younger child has told the “bully” that he does not trust him and tries to avoid playing with or being around this boy. My older child has decided to use the bullying comments as fuel to make himself a better ballplayer. He is taking every opportunity he can get to practice hitting and pitching so that when fall ball starts, he can prove just how well he plays. I am proud that he stood up for his younger brother, and I am proud that he has decided to do something productive with the other child’s negative comments. However, I also know that last year, after being made fun of by a boy in his class, that same son stooped to the level of his bully, and he and a friend began taunting the boy back and making him feel ganged up on.
I am continuing to talk to both boys and trying to help them understand that telling someone that you need help does not constitute tattling and that it is okay to stand up for yourself. It is okay to tell someone to stop doing something that you don’t like. It is okay to tell someone that you don’t want to play with them if they are not being kind. It is NOT okay to lose your temper and hurt people either with words or with physical action because I believe that the only way to combat bullying is through teaching compassion and empathy. Please listen to your children, teach them to be empathetic and kind, and above all else, lead by example. Showing your children empathy and kindness is the best way to teach them to be empathetic to others.
Takeaway Parenting Tips
How to Help Kids Cope With Bullying
As parents, we can’t always prevent bullying, but we can teach our kids how to handle it. Here are some strategies that work in our home:
Keep the conversation open – Reassure kids that asking for help is not tattling.
Role-play responses – Practice what they can say or do if bullying happens again.
Teach empathy – Remind kids that kindness is strength.
Involve adults – Coaches, teachers, or playground supervisors can help stop bullying in sports and school.
Model positive behavior – Kids mirror how we handle conflict. Show them respect and calm problem-solving.
Why Empathy Is the Best Bullying Prevention Tool
At the end of the day, I believe the only real way to prevent bullying is to teach compassion. Kids who learn to be empathetic are less likely to become bullies themselves, and more likely to support friends who are being targeted.
I remind my children daily:
It’s okay to stand up for yourself.
It’s okay to walk away.
It’s okay to say, “I don’t want to play with you if you’re not being kind.”
It’s not okay to respond with violence or cruelty.